They Didn't Ask - The True Cost of Silence
I’ve been reflecting quite a bit on my 25 year-relationship with the Court of Master Sommeliers and doing some deep introspection on why I chose to remain silent all these years. I signed up for the Advanced Exam when I was 20 years-old. The organization was much smaller back then; you could leapfrog to the Advanced as long as someone vouched for you. The wine director at my restaurant had passed his Advanced, he made a call, I sent in my application along with a check for $695 and off I went. I took the six day test in San Francisco, passed the blind tasting and service but not the theory which meant I would have to try again the following year. When the time came, I signed up and on my second attempt had passed all three parts. At the age of 21, I had become the youngest woman in the world to become a Certified Sommelier. The majority of the MS’s were very encouraging. A few had inquired if I was 21 on my second round, how was it that I had been able to take the test before the legal drinking age? I shrugged and said, I don’t know—nobody had ever said anything so I figured it was okay. Nearly 3 months went by and word had gotten around about my accomplishment. A reporter from my local paper, the Monterey Herald, got in touch with me and asked if he could interview me for the business section. It was my first interaction with the press and I was just so excited that I was going to be in the Monterey Herald! The reporter naturally asked how I was able to take the test while underage. You can read my response, “They didn’t ask,”, she said, laughing. Anyone who knows me can attest to that fact that I giggle at pretty much everything.
It seems that the only way to get the Court of Master Sommeliers to respond to any situation is by reporting it in the press and this was certainly the case even back then. A week after the Monterey Herald article came out, I had received a phone call from Fred Dame. Fred was a legend around Monterey, he knew my family and up until this point, had been very supportive of my endeavors. He told me that the Court had been made aware of the article, that I was in serious trouble and would be facing disciplinary action from the Board of Directors, including a possibility that I would banned from the Court permanently. He asked me to write a letter of apology and said he would do his best to fight for me but it wasn’t looking good. I was so confused as to how this was my fault. I had followed the directions and protocols, and felt they were the ones who failed to do their due diligence. He said that my tone in the interview, laughing and all, came off as if I was mocking the Court. I had embarrassed and exposed them. I also needed to learn how to deal with the press and this was a good lesson on how they can twist my words. I waited anxiously for the Board’s decision. I was not allowed to present my side, nobody called to interview me, my letter of apology served as my only defense — they didn’t ask but this time I wasn’t laughing. The Board ultimately determined that I would be suspended for a year and wouldn’t be allowed to sit for the Master’s Exam during that time. They would also ask all candidates, moving forward, to present a valid ID when sending in their applications. I was so grateful that I hadn’t been banned and accepted my penalty without questioning the decision. That whole process had also planted the seeds of my silence. I internalized the message that the Board had the power to control my destiny and if I didn’t act according to their standards, I could lose this opportunity and my career in wine. In other words, be a good girl and do as we say. I eventually passed the Master Sommelier exam at the age 26 but my reputation had already been burnished, I was the troublemaker and was reminded of it constantly. When I was given my final results, I was told to watch my behavior and that all eyes would be on me. I was the youngest woman to ever pass the Master Sommelier Exam, the first Woman of Color and the only South Asian in the world, even to do this day, ever to do so. Yet, I was shamed for it because I had embarrassed the Court by exposing them publicly for their mistake.
In the years following, every wrong move was met with a phone call by another MS — write an apology, say you’re sorry, don’t do that, watch what you say. I had witnessed similar behavior from other male colleagues but funny enough, they never got a phone call. I was told that certain MS’s didn’t like me. I was too big for my britches. I had an ego problem and that I was extremely arrogant. Eventually, I just decided to step away from the Court because it seemed every time I got involved, I would end up having to write an apology to someone. There’s only so many I’m sorry letters you can write. I have thus had a very reluctant relationship with the Court and that’s why you haven’t seen me at Court events, until fairly recently. I now deeply regret allowing them to push me away as I think about what my presence could have meant for other women aspiring to be in the wine business. To see an example of someone their age, their gender and perhaps even their skin color pursuing her agenda without having to compromise herself but instead — I folded like a weak hand of Poker cards. It’s frightening how easily shame can be weaponized against you to keep you quiet. A cloud of gray shame forever hanging over you, reminding you to never be too much.
I will say that a number of Master Sommeliers have always been extremely supportive of me, both publicly and privately: Madeline Triffon, Peter Granoff, Evan Goldstein, Joe Spellman, Tim Gaiser, Larry Stone, Nunzio Alioto, Doug Frost and so many others. It is in this spirit that I am going public with this story because I need to be held accountable for the damage that I have caused by being silent all these years. I acknowledge how that silence has served as an endorsement of the Court of Master Sommeliers and has helped foster and protect an environment of toxic misogyny and bullying. I am so deeply sorry to all of the women who have been harmed as a result of this. My words cannot undue your pain but please know that I will work my hardest to right this wrong.
I consider myself to be a very strong person with an incredible sense of self agency but I, too, fell into the trap of believing that this organization had the power to control my career and future. I have edited myself for over half my life just to stay in their good graces. That’s a hard pill to swallow but I believed that any failure to do so would risk my title, my reputation and my livelihood. I needed that title to prove to others that I was worthy of claiming a space at the proverbial table and without it, who would I even be?
I’m filled with so much rage right now. That 21 year-old version of me needed an advocate and while I cannot go back, I can honor her by fighting for all the young women out there in the wine business today. We need your voice and presence. I think about all the wonderful experiences wine has brought me, the people I have met, the memories I have made. Do not let them steal that joy from you. No organization, no title, no man or woman has the power to control you or your career. If you have a story to share, please let them know. They need to hear it. They didn’t ask me back then but I’m ready to talk now and I encourage you to do so as well. Please don’t make the same mistake I made by staying silent. You don’t want to live with this regret, trust me. Flood the BOD, tell them your story - the good, the bad, all of it. Tell them Enough is Enough.